-
from alexa’s brain .
There is a peace now, without you. And sometimes it makes me so sad that you had to be gone for me to be strong. It meant everything to be with you, it was air but I was suffocating and I never even felt the air leave my lungs, I was running off fumes. There is truth now without you, everything was not what it seemed. Love glazed over so much. I didn’t know that you weren’t the best thing for me, until you weren’t anymore. And now, we’re living separate lives and part of that feels ok. But part of it stings, it fucking rips me apart, its an inlaid knife into my side. You were everything and now you are a stranger. You were the first. I thought, and truly believed, you would be the last. I saw our family. Our home, our kids, our dogs, our love, our lives, together. I can feel my heart swelling as I write this. Chills pass through me, I can feel the hurt. Everything inside me stimulated, ready, for something to happen. But none of this will happen. It cannot be. Ah, release. I can feel the pain permeate out of my skin, trapped no more. And in my heart, there is a place where you sleep. I do not touch it. I cannot at times. It is warm and it is soft and it is safe when left alone. My life is so beautiful now. I feel so good and so strong. But you are the weak in me. And I hate that, I hope one day I can look at you and feel all the love I had for you and know its ok we are in different places. And feel joy in my heart for everything, everything inside and outside of us. I know I will heal and I know I will love again. But it will never be me and you again. And part of me grieves that everyday. So much of me was lost into you. I gave you my whole heart. And when we broke it, I felt it all slip away. I want to forgive myself. For letting this happen. I want to forgive myself for being anything but me.
